allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
