so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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