God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
