i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
