he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
