Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
