i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
