she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We are two peas in an std pod
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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