I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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