I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
