dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
