Will you blow on my dice?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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