I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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