i dedicated my morning wood to you.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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