he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
