i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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