My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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