Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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