My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
