I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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