remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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