i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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