my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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