nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I looked at my own cervix.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
