i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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