When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
