that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
