im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
