got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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