U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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