How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
