literally had 100 drinks last night.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
