We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
