Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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