you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
