I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
