There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
