now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
