And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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