You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
