So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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