he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
