I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
