Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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