Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
