I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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