The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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