apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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