You smell like a Billy Joel song
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
