Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
